One Day

“I hurt inside. Don’t you?”

– Gabrielle, Xena: Warrior Princess

 

One Day

It hurts. I hurt.

I know it’s not shock. I am very aware of how real all of this has become. Months of thinking about that conversation didn’t make living through it any easier.

I wasn’t truly prepared for that, but I don’t think I ever would have been.

How is it all just over?

Can I really accept that everything from the past two years have come to a close with little to show for it.

I’m going to have to accept it. I really don’t want to.

I lost track of how many times my mind drifted to wanting to go back. Back to Her. Back to us. Wouldn’t that be so much easier?

No.

It wouldn’t.

Would it?

No matter how much I replay the worst moments in my mind, I can’t bring back those old feelings of anger or resentment. All I can conjure up is this emptiness. More than once, I have been sitting down thinking of an argument, and it will fade out of its own accord, and replace itself with a memory full of laughter and happiness. Even my mantra is losing its effect.

There was no future there. It was going to end at some point. It wasn’t much of a relationship there at the end anyways.

There really was no future there. I used to think there could be one. She never did. Even two years later. I’m all for being driven and wanting your career, but two years is a long time not to have developed serious feelings for someone. If anything, Her feelings lessened. It was coming to an end.

She did cry.

That was surprising. No, there weren’t gallons of tears or painful sobs. She doesn’t cry in that manner.

Why didn’t She want to talk? As soon as She starts to feel things, She has to shut down. It was all me talking. She couldn’t even answer most of my few questions. She didn’t know if She wanted to be with me. Two years later, and She can’t answer that question one last time.

There’s a voice screaming in my mind telling me it was for the best – along with my friends. Why be with someone when there’s no possibility of a future? There wasn’t much of a present anymore.

Even now, I have to reign in an occasional urge to ask if there’s a way we can get back from this. Can we make things better? Does it really have to be over.

I broke two important rules:

Don’t fall for a straight girl.

Don’t date your best friend.

The pain that causes is…

I understand the cliches now. They serve their purpose.

Being reminded of a former significant other in everything around you doesn’t mean that you have too many things from that person. When someone becomes such a deep part of your life, they also become part of your world. Daily routines take on a different meaning. When I check my phone in the mornings, I’m drawn back to all of the times my phone rang because of Her. My art hanging around brings back Her support and comments. My TV plays memories of cuddling together to watch our favorite shows. Even outside of my home. I see my students playing games, and I think of that time She beat me at a Disney game. Twice. When I get little notes, I am bombarded with flashbacks of notes I used to enjoy hiding in Her backpack. Countless car rides, shopping trips, movie nights, and adventures are all engraved in my brain.

How does two years of caring for each other end with, “I like you a little”?

There was no future there. It was going to end at some point.

One night, when we were both still in college, we decided to do a roommate challenge in our residence hall. We weren’t roommates, but it sounded like fun, and my RA was running it. She had Her doubts. I remember her stating that She didn’t know anything about me. I told Her I didn’t think that was true. The first couple of rounds were amusing. She was so frustrated when I got one question wrong. She kept track of our score passionately. We found ourselves getting many answers correct, and truly enjoying playing together. Scores were tallied at the end of the game, and WE WON! She proudly carried the score sheet She kept track of back to my room. I left my room briefly to refill my water bottle. When I walked back in, She screamed, “we won,” and proceeded to spray me with silly string. I still have the picture She took of me covered in that stuff. How did we go from that to this?

The pain that takes over is very real – just like your feelings.

I was awake for over 24 hours. I woke up at 6:30AM the morning I was meeting up with Her. For no reason. My body just decided it was time to wake up, and no, going back to sleeping wasn’t an option. I laid in bed later for 8 hours attempting to sleep. I even tried an antihistamine. At work that night, I felt unnaturally awake. After work, I drank Nyquil. It took over an hour for that to overpower the hyperawareness wracking my brain and body. During those 24+ hours, a cup of grapes and some cereal were the only foods I managed to eat. I didn’t feel hungry. I still don’t. I had to force myself to eat that cereal.

I can’t help but wonder what She’s doing. I know my feelings, but I will probably never know Hers. Did She just go up to Her apartment after I dropped Her off, and was already over it? Is She having anywhere near as hard a time as I am?

I text Her when I couldn’t sleep yesterday. I probably shouldn’t have, but it’s not as if I had a best friend to keep me from doing stupid things during a breakup. I just really wanted to make sure She didn’t throw anything away from our relationship. I told Her when I dropped her off that I would go get anything She didn’t want. She, amazingly, text me back saying She wasn’t throwing anything away. She wants to keep it all. That’s when I realized She cared more about our relationship than I thought.

Being with a straight girl always made me very uncertain, and I had a hard time not trusting it was all going to be taken away from me. I can’t help but wonder if that played a part in our deterioration.

That night at work, I wrote Her a letter. I just wrote what I didn’t say in person. I also made sure to keep it short because I knew She wouldn’t have read it if it would be long – especially if She started getting emotional. It was almost list-like. Three full sides of notebook paper. On the back of the second paper, I wrote “The only way to fix a friendship is to try.” _ Winnie the Pooh. I drew a picture that would mean something to only the two of us underneath that. I didn’t go into the letter intending to send it to Her, but that’s where my mind ended up travelling to by the end. I mailed it off today.

I can’t believe She’s gone. My best friend. My better half.

It’s over.

What if She just replaces me like it’s nothing?

What if She already has?

It wasn’t much of a relationship there at the end anyways.

She barely spoke to me for the past few months. She left for the summer. Left me all alone. Was She expecting me to come back after Her barely talking to me this summer, and being the exact same person She left behind? I have grown up significantly. I’m 23. I’m not willing to have some semi-relationship with a 22-year-old that doesn’t want to grow up. I don’t mean that in a condescending manner. She admits to still being a child. Meanwhile, I get paid at two different schools to take care of children. The similarities are striking.

Ironically, I reread a letter She wrote to me early on in our relationship. To summarize, she talked about how my happy personality and high involvement in organizations reminded Her of Her high school self. She went on to say that She “had her fun,” and was growing up. It surely doesn’t seem that way. I definitely think She has some figuring out to do for Herself. Of course, I didn’t tell her that, because who am I to say that…

Perhaps, I can learn something from this. I was able to discover a great deal about myself. If I could gain some personal insight to myself during our relationship, hopefully I can find something in the aftermath. Something good has to come out of this, right?

Maybe not. Life isn’t exactly fair.

I want Her back.

There was no future there. It was going to end at some point.

So what if I do get Her back? Then what? Are you planning on hanging in there until She goes off for Her pharmacy rotations?

It wasn’t much of a relationship there at the end anyways.

You don’t want Her. You want who She used to be.

Maybe the same is true for Her.

She likes this new me “a little.”

I never understood the whole growing apart concept until this moment. I’m not sure I like it. What can I do now? Nothing. Nothing, except continue to grow into a better person.

I still miss Her though.

When does that go away? When do I stop loving Her? When do I stop wondering what She’s doing? When does She stop popping into my thoughts without permission?

Does it really get better?

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